《Your Horoscope for Today》歌词

[00:00:00] Your Horoscope For Today - "Weird Al" Yankovic

[00:00:12] AQUARIUS

[00:00:12] There's travel in your future when your tongue

[00:00:15] Freezes to the back of a speeding bus

[00:00:17] Fill that void in your pathetic life

[00:00:20] By playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

[00:00:22] PISCES

[00:00:23] Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos

[00:00:25] With the Ebola virus

[00:00:27] You are the true Lord of the Dance

[00:00:30] No matter what those idiots at work say

[00:00:32] ARIES

[00:00:33] The look on your face will be priceless

[00:00:35] When you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon

[00:00:38] Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf

[00:00:41] Then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

[00:00:42] TAURUS

[00:00:43] You will never find true happiness

[00:00:45] What you gonna do cry about it

[00:00:48] The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up

[00:00:51] Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

[00:00:53] That's your horoscope for today

[00:00:55] That's your horoscope for today

[00:00:57] Yay yay yay yay yay

[00:00:59] That's your horoscope for today

[00:01:04] That's your horoscope for today

[00:01:05] That's your horoscope for today

[00:01:07] Yay yay yay yay yay

[00:01:09] That's your horoscope for today

[00:01:13] GEMINI

[00:01:14] Your birthday party will be ruined once again

[00:01:17] By your explosive flatulence

[00:01:19] Your love life will run into trouble

[00:01:21] When your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

[00:01:24] CANCER

[00:01:24] The position of Jupiter says that you should spend

[00:01:27] The rest of the week face down in the mud

[00:01:30] Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose

[00:01:32] While taking your driver's test

[00:01:34] LEO

[00:01:34] Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt

[00:01:37] And staple it to your boss's face oh no

[00:01:40] Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding

[00:01:41] Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik

[00:01:45] VIRGO

[00:01:45] All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent

[00:01:49] Except for you

[00:01:50] Expect a big surprise today

[00:01:52] When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

[00:01:55] That's your horoscope for today

[00:01:57] That's your horoscope for today

[00:01:58] Yay yay yay yay yay

[00:02:00] That's your horoscope for today

[00:02:05] That's your horoscope for today

[00:02:07] That's your horoscope for today

[00:02:09] Yay yay yay yay yay

[00:02:11] That's your horoscope for today

[00:02:15] Now you may find it inconceivable

[00:02:17] Or at the very least a bit unlikely

[00:02:19] That the relative position of the planets

[00:02:21] And the stars could have a special deep significance

[00:02:23] Or meaning that exclusively applies to only you

[00:02:25] But let me give you my assurance

[00:02:26] That these forecasts and predictions

[00:02:28] Are all based on solid scientific documented evidence

[00:02:31] So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize

[00:02:33] That every single one of them is absolutely true

[00:02:35] Where was I

[00:02:36] LIBRA

[00:02:36] A big promotion is just around the corner

[00:02:39] For someone much more talented that you

[00:02:41] Laughter is the very best medicine

[00:02:43] Remember that when your appendix bursts next week

[00:02:46] SCORPIO

[00:02:47] Get ready for an unexpected trip

[00:02:49] When you fall screaming from an open window

[00:02:51] Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem

[00:02:55] You stupid freak

[00:02:56] SAGITTARIUS

[00:02:57] All your friends are laughing behind your back

[00:03:01] Kill them

[00:03:02] Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine

[00:03:05] You've got hanging in your den

[00:03:07] CAPRICORN

[00:03:07] The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person

[00:03:11] But you know they're lying

[00:03:12] If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows

[00:03:14] And never never never never never leave my house again

[00:03:18] That's your horoscope for today

[00:03:20] That's your horoscope for today

[00:03:21] Yay yay yay yay yay

[00:03:23] That's your horoscope for today

[00:03:28] That's your horoscope for today

[00:03:30] That's your horoscope for today

[00:03:31] Yay yay yay yay yay

[00:03:33] That's your horoscope for today

[00:03:38] That's your horoscope for today

[00:03:40] That's your horoscope for today

[00:03:41] Yay yay yay yay yay

[00:03:43] That's your horoscope for today

[00:03:49] That's your horoscope for today

[00:03:52] Yay yay yay yay yay

[00:03:54] That's your horoscope for today