《One》歌词

[00:00:01] One (Live) - Daniel Tosh

[00:00:53] Thank you for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of

[00:01:01] Oh San Francisco

[00:01:08] My third favorite city to do comedy in

[00:01:11] Huh

[00:01:12] That's not bad right

[00:01:13] Top ten congratulations

[00:01:17] More butt f**king per square foot

[00:01:21] Then in any place in the world

[00:01:24] That's you guys

[00:01:29] Put that on your post cards

[00:01:32] San Francisco

[00:01:34] More butt f**king per square foot

[00:01:39] Miss you

[00:01:43] Now if you've never seen me perform

[00:01:43] Before I am not good live

[00:01:48] Heads up

[00:01:49] If I offend anybody tonight I apologize

[00:01:51] That is not my intention

[00:01:52] I'm not gonna guess

[00:01:53] What your personal line of decency is

[00:01:55] I cross my own from time to time

[00:01:57] It's how I know I still have one

[00:02:01] I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country

[00:02:04] Except for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty

[00:02:08] That is horse shit

[00:02:10] It should be the other way around

[00:02:11] They should serve exclusively on jury duty

[00:02:15] Yea

[00:02:19] Then it finally would be a jury of ones own peers

[00:02:30] It's not a stereotype

[00:02:32] If it's always true

[00:02:34] Yea

[00:02:35] Then it becomes law

[00:02:38] That joke is called

[00:02:39] Latinos are criminals

[00:02:43] That's just the title it doesn't mean anything

[00:02:48] Sometimes before I walk on stage

[00:02:49] My girlfriend might say

[00:02:50] Have a good show

[00:02:51] Break a leg

[00:02:51] This is what she said to me a few weeks ago

[00:02:53] Right before I walked on stage she goes

[00:02:55] Hey you ever worry about getting shot when you're out there

[00:03:00] I'm like what the hell is wrong with you

[00:03:03] She followed it with

[00:03:04] You should move around more

[00:03:08] Uh you should go back to reading your vampire books

[00:03:13] I should move around more

[00:03:15] As if a sniper would get frustrated like

[00:03:19] I can't keep up

[00:03:21] He lives

[00:03:27] You ever scratch your girlfriend with a hangnail

[00:03:28] And pretend you're wolverine

[00:03:31] She's like knock it off

[00:03:33] I'm like you made me like this

[00:03:35] Then you run into the woods

[00:03:36] You're naked

[00:03:37] You gotta figure things out

[00:03:38] Where'd you come from

[00:03:39] Why are you wearing dog tags

[00:03:40] Did I serve

[00:03:45] A lot of times people complain that

[00:03:46] Their significant other takes too long

[00:03:49] To get reedy to go out at night

[00:03:50] I've never had that complaint

[00:03:52] And I think it's because

[00:03:54] I never want to go anywhere

[00:03:57] So I could care less

[00:03:58] How long it takes her to get ready

[00:03:59] That's just less time

[00:04:00] I have to spend with her horrible friends

[00:04:02] Pretending that I don't wanna kill myself

[00:04:05] Yea

[00:04:08] She'll take an hour and a half to get ready come down

[00:04:10] And be like

[00:04:10] Oh my goodness you were so patient

[00:04:13] I'll be like

[00:04:13] For what you look disgusting

[00:04:16] Right

[00:04:17] Yea now she's crying

[00:04:18] Whatever

[00:04:18] I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game

[00:04:22] Ha-ha yea

[00:04:23] It's not like she's gonna break up with me

[00:04:25] She's ten years younger

[00:04:25] She's one opinion away from being replaced

[00:04:30] I can say that

[00:04:31] I have a television show

[00:04:35] Yea the power in our household has shifted dramatically